Normal People Do Not Bring Their Children To Work

The corporate world is not for children. I am sitting at work right now (obviously being productive) and sitting right next to me is my co-worker’s 11 year old daughter. WHY? you ask, is this girl sitting next to me? GREAT QUESTION! I wondered the same thing, so I asked my co-worker, and here is the response I received: “The babysitter cancelled.”

While I realize and am fully aware that things come up unexpectedly at home, you still do not bring your child in to work with you. It disrupts the people working around you, it makes you less productive because you are worried about your child, AND it is just abnormal and inappropriate! Let’s brainstorm together some other options my co-worker had before she brought her daughter into work (for the 2nd time I might add).

1. Mother-in-laws are always great last minute babysitters.

2. This is what PTO is for.

3. WORK FROM HOME! (Man, if only we lived in a world that had phones that you could take with you anywhere and compact computers that were portable and could take with you as well…wouldn’t that make life easy?) SHEESH.

Now that we have gone over other options my co-worker had this morning, let us scan the room together… oh, wait…NOBODY ELSE HAS THEIR CHILDREN IN THE WORKPLACE! (And that does not mean they do not have children!)

Please, PLEASE, people…do not bring your kids to work!

PS. Just some background–The first time she brought her in to work was because the daughter cut her own bangs and didn’t want to go to school. WTF! NOT NORMAL.

Normal People Do Not Smash Pumpkins.

With Halloween swiftly approaching, beautifully carved pumpkins have begun to pop up everywhere. I love carved pumpkins. They are so festive and wonderful and they really bring out the spirit of the season!

Unfortunately, the carved wonderfulness also brings out the not normals for the ever annoying tradition of pumpkin smashing. These morons dress in dark clothes and attack pumpkins for fun and probably to make them feel better about themselves or make them feel like a big shot. If you need to smash pumpkins to boost your self esteem you are not normal. See a psychologist. If you do it to feel like a big shot you probably have a small penis. Get over it. If you do it for fun you are a mean spirited asshole and you deserve a punch in the face or a swift kick in the balls. I’d be happy to give you either.

It’s simple… Smashing other people’s possessions is not normal. It doesn’t matter if it’s a pumpkin or a Bugatti Veyron. Pumpkin smashing is an act of vandalism and NPN Newsflash: It’s Illegal. If it doesn’t belong to you… leave it the hell alone!

Normal People Don’t Dress Like This…

Normal people also don’t let their friends leave the house like this. This woman was spotted at the Texas State Fair. Except for the addition of the red dot, this photo has NOT been edited.

Normal People Don’t Leave Stupid Comments Like This…

*The following comment was left in response to “Normal People Do Not Have Mail Order Brides.” Please refer to that post before reading this one.*

“Normal people don’t write a drawn out repetitive compaint on a random website about how bad it is to meet someone from a different country. Did you eve think maybe people may get sick of dealing with the terrible selfish thought process of american women and would like to meet someone that would appreciate a better life? You are probably someone tht was left by your mate and they found someone from another country that looks better than you and doesn’t complain that things aren’t good enough, lol!”

This person is clearly not normal. They have no right to speak about normalcy or even have the word “normal” in their vocabulary.

You, chrisnuzzo76@yahoo.com, are an utter dip shit! If people get sick of their girlfriends or boyfriends, FINE. YOU DO NOT PURCHASE PEOPLE! What do you not understand about that concept? Cheap whores are the only thing you can purchase and even then you don’t own them.  You are an obvious lost cause of ever reaching a normal state of mind with that comment. If you don’t like American women—LEAVE THE COUNTRY!

NORMAL NOTE: Let us call this “Exhibit A.” This is the exact reason why this site was created.

Normal People Know How To Park

• If you park on or over the line you are not normal.
• If you pull too far forward and the nose of your car sticks into the next parking spot you are not normal.
• If you leave the tail end of your car sticking out into the driving path you are not normal.
• If you double park on purpose you are not only not normal you are an inconsiderate ass.
• If you park ON a curb you are not normal.
• If you parallel park and park too close to a car you are not normal.
• If you parallel park and take up more than one spot you are the worst not normal of all. Congrats. Because you are plain rude or just too lazy to park correctly you have taken up enough room for a circus and have caused some poor normal person to circle the block looking for a spot.
• If you park in a non parking spot and block someone else in you are not normal and I hope the other person calls a tow truck and you get what you deserve.

What is so difficult about parking a car? NOTHING!!! Just put your car between the lines. So, why is it that everywhere I look I see bad parking jobs? Because, sadly, not normals are given drivers licenses too. I know what you are thinking… not normals and driving is an oxymoron. I clearly agree but until we can convince the DMV to give a normalcy test in addition to a written driving test the not normal population will continue to sit behind the wheel. (insert shudder here)

For a good laugh check out www.niceparkingdude.com and www.youparklikeanasshole.com

Normal People Would Not Purchase One Of These

There are so many things wrong with this that I’m not sure where to begin. First, what not normal person created this? Clearly this was created by a not normal to sell to other not normals because even if a normal person thought of this (which would be a stretch) the thought process would go like this…

Normal person thinks to self: It’d be great if there were some kind of pillow that was like an arm so that when my significant other was gone…What the hell am i talking about! I would look like such a moron if i tried to pitch that idea. What a stupid idea. I need to forget i ever thought it.

So, we’ve established that this was made by a not normal. Now let’s move on the the morons that purchase this. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??? This is one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen. It’s creepy. If you are so attached to the person you sleep with that you can’t sleep alone when they are gone you are not normal. If you buy this when you don’t have a significant other to pretend like you do you are CLEARLY not normal. There is no normal reason to buy this piece of crap arm pillow.

Below is the sales pitch for the product. It should be titled “Calling All Crazies.”

Boyfriend Arm Pillow
Never curl up on the couch alone again, with this comforting arm that wraps around you as if to say, “I’m sorry work was rotten today,” or “No, you pick what we watch tonight,” all the stuff you’d never hear from a real boyfriend.

WTF????????? Stay normal people!

Normal People Do Not Live In Filth

There is no excuse for filth! By filth I do not mean a typical amount of clutter, yesterday’s clothes on the floor, make-up on the bathroom counter, shoes in the living room, or any of the everyday stuff that normal people have laying around their house that may need to be picked up before company comes over. Filth is plates with moldy food piled up in a sink, overflowing smelly garbage cans, cups that have been left out so long the liquid has evaporated, food in the refrigerator that expired last year, animal feces left on the floor, fast food containers cluttering the place, piles of dirty diapers, toilets that have never been cleaned, compulsive hoarding, or anything else that falls into the filthy category.

There is absolutely, positively, with out a doubt no excuse for your home to resemble a pig pen or trash dump. If you have any of those things going on in your dwelling you are not normal. Solution – CLEAN!!!! Your home does not have to resemble one on the cover of a home design magazine because normal people don’t live that way either but it does have to be clean and free of filth. This post applies to people of all ages, races, and income brackets. You’d be surprised who does and does not live in filth. If you or someone you know are currently living in filth please do something about it immediately! Normal people might find this laughable (because as a normal person you’d assume the following is common knowledge but clearly it’s not) but Wikihow has an article on “How to Clean a House.” I think it’s a great first step for all the not normals out there that want to make their way back to the normal side. Check it out at http://www.wikihow.com/Clean-a-House.

Normal People Don’t Dress Like This…

What the hell is this guy wearing? Can these even be called pants? NO! I’d have to classify them as fabric tied up with a string that missed a couple spots and gapped out oddly in two places in the back… so strange.

Above: A Not Normal Person outside of a popular brunch establishment waiting to get a table

Normal People Do Not Wear Heels With Swim Attire

If you are not a supermodel on a PROFESSIONAL photo shoot or walking the runway at a LEGIT fashion show there is no reason you should ever ever ever ever ever wear high heels with your swim attire. Why? Because that is not normal!!!!

Why in the world would you ever want to wear heels at the swimming pool? That’s like waking up in the morning and saying to yourself “I think I’ll increase the chances that I break my neck today by 99% by wearing heels to the pool party.” Great idea… if you are a moron (i.e. an abnormal)! Why else might one consider wearing heels with their swim attire….

• because it makes your legs look better? If you are that self-conscious you need to skip the pool and hit the bookstore self help section
• you just have to show off your new Louboutins? Don’t be that girl…wait til the appropriate time to break those puppies in
• you are working on your calf muscles? If building your calf muscles is that important to you, skip the pool and hit the gym or work out before pool time and then wear normal shoes (i.e. flip flops) to the pool
• you are hanging out at the Hard Rock pool in Vegas, the ZaZa Hotel pool in Dallas, the pool at the Beverly Hills Hotel, or any other celebrity pool hot spot and you think it’s the thing to do? It’s not!!!! If other people are doing it (celebrities included) that does not make it OK or NORMAL. Don’t let others influence your normalcy. Be proud of your Old Navy flip flops!

This post is directed toward women. If you are a man who wears heels with your swim suit you are clearly not normal and need to cease and desist immediately!!!

So, in conclusion, when is it normal to wear high heels with swim attire? Almost never. Unless you are being paid to do so or are in a beauty pageant there is no reason. If you think you have a good reason to do it in your everyday life… you are wrong and NOT NORMAL!

Normal People Do Not Have Mail Order Brides

That’s right, mail order brides. Did you even think that was still happening? Or better yet, actually REAL? Well, apparently it is.

Let me give you a little normal people newsflash: ORDERING A SPOUSE IS NOT NORMAL!

If you have to resort to ordering a spouse off of the internet (or from an advertisement of any kind) there is a clear reason why you were rejected by every other woman who is not for sale and that reason is that you need some serious mental help!

If you somehow missed the memo and have already ordered a bride (or have one on the way), you obviously can’t slap a “return to sender” on that package and send it back, so here are some tips on how to make this highly abnormal purchase a little less creepy ridiculous abnormal desperate:

1. Do not treat her like you ordered her. Even though you did (which I am still branding “abnormal”) she is still your wife. Treat her with respect.

2. This woman is not your personal playground. Enhancing her in anyway for your personal pleasure is despicable.

3. No means no…in any language. (Please refer to “Normal People Know That No Means No” post for further explination if needed)

Bottom line to this is: IF YOU NEED TO BUY A BRIDE, YOU ARE NOT NORMAL! Do the world (and the eBay brides) a favor and stay single.