Normal People Don’t Dress Like This…

What the hell is this guy wearing? Can these even be called pants? NO! I’d have to classify them as fabric tied up with a string that missed a couple spots and gapped out oddly in two places in the back… so strange.

Above: A Not Normal Person outside of a popular brunch establishment waiting to get a table

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Normal People Do Not Wear Heels With Swim Attire

If you are not a supermodel on a PROFESSIONAL photo shoot or walking the runway at a LEGIT fashion show there is no reason you should ever ever ever ever ever wear high heels with your swim attire. Why? Because that is not normal!!!!

Why in the world would you ever want to wear heels at the swimming pool? That’s like waking up in the morning and saying to yourself “I think I’ll increase the chances that I break my neck today by 99% by wearing heels to the pool party.” Great idea… if you are a moron (i.e. an abnormal)! Why else might one consider wearing heels with their swim attire….

  • because it makes your legs look better? If you are that self-conscious you need to skip the pool and hit the bookstore self help section
  • you just have to show off your new Louboutins? Don’t be that girl…wait til the appropriate time to break those puppies in
  • you are working on your calf muscles? If building your calf muscles is that important to you, skip the pool and hit the gym or work out before pool time and then wear normal shoes (i.e. flip flops) to the pool
  • you are hanging out at the Hard Rock pool in Vegas, the ZaZa Hotel pool in Dallas, the pool at the Beverly Hills Hotel, or any other celebrity pool hot spot and you think it’s the thing to do? It’s not!!!! If other people are doing it (celebrities included) that does not make it OK or NORMAL. Don’t let others influence your normalcy. Be proud of your Old Navy flip flops!

This post is directed toward women. If you are a man who wears heels with your swim suit you are clearly not normal and need to cease and desist immediately!!!

So, in conclusion, when is it normal to wear high heels with swim attire? Almost never. Unless you are being paid to do so or are in a beauty pageant there is no reason. If you think you have a good reason to do it in your everyday life… you are wrong and NOT NORMAL!

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Normal People Do Not Have Mail Order Brides

That’s right, mail order brides. Did you even think that was still happening? Or better yet, actually REAL? Well, apparently it is.

Let me give you a little normal people newsflash: ORDERING A SPOUSE IS NOT NORMAL!

If you have to resort to ordering a spouse off of the internet (or from an advertisement of any kind) there is a clear reason why you were rejected by every other woman who is not for sale and that reason is that you need some serious mental help!

If you somehow missed the memo and have already ordered a bride (or have one on the way), you obviously can’t slap a “return to sender” on that package and send it back, so here are some tips on how to make this highly abnormal purchase a little less creepy ridiculous abnormal desperate:

1. Do not treat her like you ordered her. Even though you did (which I am still branding “abnormal”) she is still your wife. Treat her with respect.

2. This woman is not your personal playground. Enhancing her in anyway for your personal pleasure is despicable.

3. No means no…in any language. (Please refer to “Normal People Know That No Means No” post for further explination if needed)

Bottom line to this is: IF YOU NEED TO BUY A BRIDE, YOU ARE NOT NORMAL! Do the world (and the eBay brides) a favor and stay single.

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Normal People Do Not Refer To Someone As Their BF/GF…

…Until they have the DTR talk. If you don’t know what DTR means, you are not normal, but I will slowly bring you to the normal side by telling you. DTR stands for “Defining The Relationship.”

Defining the relationship is a crucial step in the dating process. Bottom line, you DO NOT refer to someone you have been talking to/dating/friendly with/(enter your own phrase for it here) as your boyfriend, girlfriend or significant other until you have spoken to that person about the status of your relationship and they have AGREED with you that this is the path that they would like to take. If you skip this step, not only are you abnormal, but you are psycho. Go get your noggin checked. I am sure the yellow pages have some people listed that could help you out.

 Not having a conversation with the other person and referring to them as your BF/GF is relationship suicide. You might as well kiss that person goodbye because nobody wants to be associated with someone who is looking up psychologists in the yellow pages.

On the same note, if you have not had the DTR, do not expect the other person whom you are talking to to not go on dates with other people or talk to other people, etc. Remember, they are single (as are you) and not REQUIRED to tell you any of this because you are not their other half! However, if they are a straight shooter and do pass this information along your way, you have ZERO right to be jealous. You take that big ball of jealously and attitude and stuff it right back in your pocket and go cry in the corner to yourself because there is nothing you can do about it! Why? BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT TOGETHER.

DTR offenders are usually women (sorry ladies, but it is true).  However, men make these critical abnormal errors as well, so as keeper of the normal universe, it is my duty to share this with you and ask everyone out there to PLEASE not jump the gun, change your facebook status to “in a relationship,” or begin designing your wedding invitations until this critical talk has taken place.

if you remember nothing else from this post, remember this:

D-T-R. And if you can’t remember that, memorize this…

www.yellowpages.com

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Normal People Wear Sunglasses Outdoors

Every normal person knows that the main purpose of sunglasses is to protect your eyes from the harmful UVA and UVB rays that (sans sunglasses) could burn your cornias. Aside from the heplful blockage of rays that sunglasses provide, they have also become quite the fashion accessory. Now, I am ALL about fashion accessories, do not get me wrong (I am a girl), but this particular accessory needs to be for outdoor use only. You do NOT need to be wearing sunglasses indoors! THE SUN DOESN’T SHINE INDOORS and fluorescent lights haven’t damaged anyone else’s eyes since they were invented, so here is a quick normal people newsflash: YOU DON’T LOOK COOL!

I don’t care how trendy or flashy your sunglasses are–they go on when you are outside and off when you are inside. Simple. The only possible way it would be acceptable to wear glasses indoors would be if you were just at the eye doctor, they were mean enough to dilate your pupils, and in total embarrassment you had to run an errand with those plastic, black glasses on your face.

On another note: just because Corey Hart sang the famous words “I wear my sunglasses at night…” does not mean YOU need to wear your sunglasses at night. Leave that to abnormal Corey. “But it’s fun!” you say. My reply to that is “fun? debateable when you are 71 sheets to the wind, but normal? no.”

Bottom line to this post is: keep the sunglasses outside, friends. You’re future ISN’T so bright that you have to wear shades.

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Normal People Do Not Have Mullets

This “business in the front, party in the back” catastrophe hairstyle may have been popular in the late 1970s and 1980s but…

Normal People Newsflash: IT IS 2008!!! Get a clue people!

Who ever thought this was a good look? It’s not. It wasn’t then and it certainly isn’t now. If you are currently sporting a mullet get to a hairstylist immediately. Right this second. Drop whatever you are doing and GO. Seriously. I am only here to help you. Not only is a Mullet not attractive but it will cause you to be put into certain stereotypes by others. Redneck, white trash… just two of the categories associated with mullets. Who wants to be put in those categories? If your answer is anything other than “not me” or something along those lines you are not normal and probably need more help than a haircut. Don’t shoot the messenger.

It absolutely baffles me when I see someone with a Mullet. Mullets are NOT NORMAL! I can not stress this enough. Did any of you see the episode of ABC’s The Bachelorette where Ron offered to “modernize” Sean’s hair (aka, get rid of the mullet)? Modernize was the nicest way to put it. I’d like to “modernize” the rest of the mullet population!

This also refers to anyone sporting any of the following mulletish hairdon’ts:
Skullet
Frullet
Tropical mullet (a.k.a. the dreaded mullet or rusta mullet)
Jheri curl mullet
Mo-Hullet (a.k.a. the Mullet-Hawk)
Chullet
Mulldina
Fem-Mullet
Cullet
Jazz mullet
Bus-Mullet
Tri-Mullet
Bro-Mullet
Scene Mullet

Yes. These apparently all exist. Please see wikipedia.org for more info.

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Normal People Can’t Wear A Speedo

As summer gets underway, Normal People everywhere are donning their favorite swim attire. I’d like to take this time to remind everyone of one simple fact. The Speedo aka the budgie smuggler, dick tog, competition brief, bather, dick sticker, banana hammock or the grape cape was not designed for the normal male. (This post is directed toward men. If you are a woman who wears a men’s Speedo you are clearly not normal and need to cease and desist immediately!!!)  There are of course exceptions to every rule including this one. If you are a Normal Person who falls into any of the following categories Speedos are perfectly acceptable.

1. If you are a competitive swimmer and/or diver. This does not refer to you and your buddies racing at the community pool.

2. If you are a Lifeguard who is required to wear one. Yes. This actually happens in some countries

3. If you are David Beckham or you look like David Beckham. If you are either of those you are clearly not normal. You are a god. Call me sometime.

4. If you look anything like the guy in the white speedo above. Once again, you are not normal. You are a god. Please do women everywhere a favor and wear a speedo everyday!

If you do not fall into one of these categories please do yourself and everyone else a favor and refrain from wearing a Speedo, in public at least. If you want to catch some rays or take a dip in the privacy of your own home you can wear whatever your little heart desires!

 

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