Normal People Do Not Have Mail Order Brides

That’s right, mail order brides. Did you even think that was still happening? Or better yet, actually REAL? Well, apparently it is.

Let me give you a little normal people newsflash: ORDERING A SPOUSE IS NOT NORMAL!

If you have to resort to ordering a spouse off of the internet (or from an advertisement of any kind) there is a clear reason why you were rejected by every other woman who is not for sale and that reason is that you need some serious mental help!

If you somehow missed the memo and have already ordered a bride (or have one on the way), you obviously can’t slap a “return to sender” on that package and send it back, so here are some tips on how to make this highly abnormal purchase a little less creepy ridiculous abnormal desperate:

1. Do not treat her like you ordered her. Even though you did (which I am still branding “abnormal”) she is still your wife. Treat her with respect.

2. This woman is not your personal playground. Enhancing her in anyway for your personal pleasure is despicable.

3. No means no…in any language. (Please refer to “Normal People Know That No Means No” post for further explination if needed)

Bottom line to this is: IF YOU NEED TO BUY A BRIDE, YOU ARE NOT NORMAL! Do the world (and the eBay brides) a favor and stay single.

Normal People Do Not Refer To Someone As Their BF/GF…

…Until they have the DTR talk. If you don’t know what DTR means, you are not normal, but I will slowly bring you to the normal side by telling you. DTR stands for “Defining The Relationship.”

Defining the relationship is a crucial step in the dating process. Bottom line, you DO NOT refer to someone you have been talking to/dating/friendly with/(enter your own phrase for it here) as your boyfriend, girlfriend or significant other until you have spoken to that person about the status of your relationship and they have AGREED with you that this is the path that they would like to take. If you skip this step, not only are you abnormal, but you are psycho. Go get your noggin checked. I am sure the yellow pages have some people listed that could help you out.

 Not having a conversation with the other person and referring to them as your BF/GF is relationship suicide. You might as well kiss that person goodbye because nobody wants to be associated with someone who is looking up psychologists in the yellow pages.

On the same note, if you have not had the DTR, do not expect the other person whom you are talking to to not go on dates with other people or talk to other people, etc. Remember, they are single (as are you) and not REQUIRED to tell you any of this because you are not their other half! However, if they are a straight shooter and do pass this information along your way, you have ZERO right to be jealous. You take that big ball of jealously and attitude and stuff it right back in your pocket and go cry in the corner to yourself because there is nothing you can do about it! Why? BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT TOGETHER.

DTR offenders are usually women (sorry ladies, but it is true).  However, men make these critical abnormal errors as well, so as keeper of the normal universe, it is my duty to share this with you and ask everyone out there to PLEASE not jump the gun, change your facebook status to “in a relationship,” or begin designing your wedding invitations until this critical talk has taken place.

if you remember nothing else from this post, remember this:

D-T-R. And if you can’t remember that, memorize this…

www.yellowpages.com

Normal People Do Not Get Married On Major Holidays

So… you’re in love, you have found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and you’ve decided to take the plunge, get hitched, bite the bullet, tie the knot, forge the river of life together. Great. Fantastic. Woo Hoo. Congratulations! The world is so happy for you. Now please do your friends and family a favor and DO NOT get married on a holiday. Why? Because it’s rude and inconsiderate.

Normal People want to spend their holidays doing what they want to do! That may mean spending time with their friends and family, taking a trip, drinking til they don’t know their name, watching TV, going fishing, playing video games, catching up on movies or absolutely nothing. One thing they do not WANT to do on their holiday is go to your wedding. Will they come to your wedding anyway? Yes. Why? Because they love you and want to be there on your special day. Would they rather you not had it on a holiday? Absolutely. Will they resent you for it and talk about it behind your back? Probably.

In addition to the fact that your guests would appreciate having their holidays to themselves, travel is sooooo much more expensive for holidays. Flights, gas, car rental, hotels rooms… all of it is more expensive than it would be on a normal day. On top of the soaring cost of holiday travel everyone knows that it’s always a b!%#h to travel on the holidays. The roads are busier… which means more traffic. The airports are always packed. More people in the airport equal more grumpy passengers to deal with, the higher chance that your luggage will be lost and there always seem to be more delays. Ug! Who wants to deal with that if they don’t have to?

This post only refers to the majority of weddings/commitment ceremonies. There are a few instances where this rule does not apply. For example…If all of your family is going to be together for the holiday and you want to have a small intimate wedding with them. GREAT! I’m sure they’d be thrilled to kill two birds with one stone mix your wedding into the holiday festivities! Everybody knows that a Christmas wedding with your family will be beautiful. For the rest of you, please steer clear of all major holidays when planning your big day! Your friends and family will thank you… or me!